The Doing Nothing Strategy of Parenting and Investing

People often tell me that they don’t know what to do with their money, and why does it seem like everyone else does?

My response is always to let them into a little secret. No one knows what to do.

And I think this is true about parenting. Everyone looks like they have it figured out, but do they really?

We think we should have ‘money figured out’ despite the fact that no one ever taught us anything about it. And I think parenting is like that – I mean, how should you know what to do with a baby that refuses to sleep, a toddler that throws an enormous tantrum in the street, or a defiant teenager that pushes all boundaries, if no one ever taught us?

Every parent has been there. Parenting is hard. We are given very few tools on how to navigate it. The teenage years, I am learning, are full of challenges that seem to come out of nowhere.

Maybe some of you feel it too. The toddler years can be exhausting, but then comes this blissful middle ground between about 5 and 10 years old. They can get themselves dressed, brush their teeth (sort of), they become great travel companions.  We get lulled into a false sense of security.

It’s slow at first. They become a tween. You get a taste of it.

But then, the real earthquake hits. The teenage years.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed or struggling, I look for help. Parenting has been no different for me. I have read many parenting books over the past 14 years.

I recently discovered Dr Becky and I want to tell you about her best parenting strategy.

It’s called the Doing Nothing Strategy.

One thing about parenting is the judgement we get from others when our kids play up or act out (really stupid sayings by the way – they aren’t playing up or acting out, they are just showing us their emotions, which they are not yet equipped to regulate or manage).

It goes like this – your kid does something – they roll their eyes (minor), answer back, yell at you, swear at you (less minor). And there’s this – aren’t you going to do something? What, you are just going to do nothing? You’re going to let them get away with it?

Here’s how Dr Becky explains it.

“Think about doing nothing in this way. When your kid is rude, or rolling their eyes or talks back or verbally attacks...what they are really saying is, ‘Hey Mum/Dad...do you want to come to this power struggle party with me? Do you want to come there? Do you want to come? You’re going to yell, then I’m going to yell, then we are going to kind of explode together.’ I don’t know any parent who would say, yes, yeah, I want to go there, it sounds amazing, I want to go to that party. Thank you for the invitation. I think you’d say, thank you for the invitation, I am going to turn it down. I don’t really want to be there.”

Parents are the leaders. We aren’t the followers. We don’t have to follow them into that party. We don’t have to walk down that road, the road that we know ends at a cliff. DOING NOTHING is simply not accepting the invitation that they are giving you.

It’s a very sophisticated parenting tool. Nothing productive is going to happen in that moment. Doing nothing means you don’t escalate things further.

It’s not, oh, I am doing nothing. It’s: I AM DOING NOTHING.

Dr Becky gives a wonderful analogy. In her words:

At the Superbowl Travis Kelce was on the sideline and he wanted to be playing. He really wanted to be playing. He was fired up and he was not regulating his emotions (sound familiar?). He went up to his coach Andy Reid and got right into his face. Like, he really got in there.

Do you know what Andy Reid did?

Nothing.

He did nothing.

Dr Becky explains, “he’s a veteran coach. This is so important. He knew; I have nothing to prove in this moment, even if it’s televised, I know I am the coach, I know I am the authority, I know Travis is a good person. He’s a good person having a hard time. I know this is not a successful moment to intervene. So I am going to cultivate calm.”

That is a veteran coach.

We need to be veteran coaches as parents.

We need to make sure we don’t blow it up.

Because this matters, it really matters.

We want to have a relationship with our kids when they are 25, 35, 45 and onwards. We have long-term goals.

Dr Becky describes the doing nothing strategy as active restraint.

We can only practice active restraint when we know what we want in the long run. If we know what we want, we can hold ourselves back from doing something gratifying in the moment. This doesn’t make us permissive, it’s makes us strategic.

Because isn’t it gratifying as a parent to do something in moment? Like yell back, or send them to their room, or take their phone away and tell them you’re not going to give it back for a week (even though we all know they are going to get it back in ten minutes).

Active restraint says, we are going to forego that short-term gratification of yeah, I did something, I ‘showed them’ (which we know does actually feel good in the moment, but it feels terrible later on, in the long run).

In the hardest stages of parenting, the most turbulent phases, (which are definitely the teen years), our one job is to not blow it up. It’s to remain the sturdy leader, the veteran coach.

Andy Reid had a long-term goal. We have long-term goals.

We cultivate calm. We actively choose to do nothing. It is the hardest choice. It’s often the hardest choice a leader can make.

Cultivate calm, practice active restraint, do nothing, focus on the long-term goals. These, I am learning, are wonderful parenting strategies. I am actively putting them into practice every day.

And you know what? They are also the best, the absolute best, investing strategies.

We invest for our long-term goals. Our parenting goals and our investing goals stretch out to our final days on this planet. I think all parents would say that they hope they are surrounded by their children when they take their last breath. And also (although not equally) I think most people would say that they hope that the coffers have not run dry.

We tell our clients all the time that we will help you do nothing when doing nothing is the right thing to do. Doing nothing is the most underrated strategy – and it is a strategy. It’s not the equivalent of the permissive parent, by choosing active restraint we are being that sturdy leader. We won’t accept the invitation to the party – the one that has you panicking, us panicking with you, and the whole thing ending with us falling off a cliff together. We won’t let you blow it up.

We will cultivate calm through the turbulence, when the market is down and things are scary. We will channel our inner Andy Reid and have you do the same. We are strong and resolute.

Morgan Housel explains that good investing is not about doing really smart things, it’s just about avoiding the really dumb things. It’s about sticking around long enough, without blowing yourself up, in order to let compounding work it’s magic.

Maybe that’s all parenting is about too. Just being around, being good enough (not perfect), not blowing it up, being the sturdy leader, holding onto the long-term goals when our kids can’t.

I’ll let you know how it goes in our house.